Seven years ago today, my mom passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Many of you have been there and you know the pain of never getting to say goodbye; it’s been a struggle.
I miss so many things about her that I could fill volumes recounting, but a few things stick out to me:
1. My mom was my biggest hero and encourager. She was the first person to recognize the God was shaping me for music ministry and she did all she could to encourage me to pursue it. Consequently, she was also the first person to recognize that Deanna was the one for me.
2. I miss our Friday phone conversations. Pretty much without fail, we talked and caught up. The Friday before she died, I was moving into our new home here and I almost didn’t take the call because we were moving. I’m so glad I did. It was the last time I spoke with her. I think about that conversation all the time and what I would’ve said to her if I knew it was the last time I’d talk with her on earth.
Over the last seven years, I’ve realized that my greatest comfort has been in rehearsing memories of my life with her in it. I think about them quite often. When my dad and three siblings get together we recount those memories.
A few years ago I ran across this song attached and the first time I heard it I literally was struck by the lyrics and I spent the afternoon weeping because it described how I had been feeling and hurting for so long. I haven’t really shared this song with many and its profound impact on my life until today, the seventh anniversary of her death. It has become my comfort when I’ve been angry and sad. It has reminded me that I am who I am in part because of her. Take a moment and read the lyrics below and listen to the song.
Psalm 30:11 reminds me that God “has turned my mourning into dancing!” I love you, mama and I look forward to seeing you again soon!
“Wanting Memories”
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
You used to rock me in the cradle of your arms,
You said you’d hold me till the pains of life were gone.
You said you’d comfort me in times like these and now I need you,
Now I need you, and you are gone.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Since you’ve gone and left me, there’s been so little beauty,
But I know I saw it clearly through your eyes.
Now the world outside is such a cold and bitter place,
Here inside I have few things that will console.
And when I try to hear your voice above the storms of life,
Then I remember all the things that I was told.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I think on the things that made me feel so wonderful when I was young.
I think on the things that made me laugh, made me dance, made me sing.
I think on the things that made me grow into a being full of pride.
I think on these things, for they are true.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I thought that you were gone, but now I know you’re with me,
You are the voice that whispers all I need to hear.
I know a please a thank you and a smile will take me far,
I know that I am you and you are me and we are one,
I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand,
I know that I’ve been blessed again, and over again.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.